Without him i found Him….

A bit of a throwback thursday from an unpublished post written 4.5 years ago…read on..
It’s funny how you think that no one will ever understand what you have been through until one day a friend hears your story and says “heard it all before”. All this time you thought that your problem was unfix-able, unrepairable so you don’t speak about it because no one will get you, but then you start to repeat it in the hope that someone will fix it. It’s no secret that women who lack the fatherly figure during their early years struggle to become the women that God created them to be. The father may be present but emotionally distant. This leaves the girl feeling rejected, empty and constantly doubting her own self worth…that is if she felt worth anything to start with. Continue reading “Without him i found Him….”

Forgiveness is the key….

Inspiration on a journey again, only this time the carriage is empty. Funny how my moments of inspiration always happen when I am away from home. Tried to make peace with my past but it kept coming back to haunt me so finally I decided to confront it.

There was no sunshine when he had stayed, smelt of whiskey in the early morning, I wondered if the vomit stained vest clinging onto his beer belly was the future I had yet to realise. Disgusted and haunted and afraid. A silent child with no words to speak but “hello”. Oh how life you have robbed me off opportunities to engage in conversation, laugh and play and just be sane, instead I was entertained by the thoughts of death and its companions…or rather depressed at the thought. I remember that summer….the sun added a gold tint to my complexion and I lay on the sofa like a mad man would talking to a therapist, releasing their innermost thoughts to the professional, except there was no one. Just my imagination rewinding and playing death as I saw it. Move 4 years later and I hear loud voices attacking her, fists propelling faster than I could perceive, eyes larger than that ball with the dimples, oh yeah golf, oh yeah I should have taken the catalogue, oh yeah I should run to the door, oh yeah I mustn’t forget her, oh yeah her belly is absolutely round now. Continue reading “Forgiveness is the key….”

What the problem?……

What a rough week I say. No one can understand my pain and frustration. My God why am I having so many problems all at once. If only I had…….
The blanks don’t need to be filled just yet.
I hear a little girl has lost her mother. She wakes from sleep and the sweet curiosity of a minor takes over, wondering why her house has become a social gathering where the women weep and the men have stunned faces. Poor little one does not know where her mother sleeps.

Continue reading “What the problem?……”