Inspiration on a journey again, only this time the carriage is empty. Funny how my moments of inspiration always happen when I am away from home. Tried to make peace with my past but it kept coming back to haunt me so finally I decided to confront it.
There was no sunshine when he had stayed, smelt of whiskey in the early morning, I wondered if the vomit stained vest clinging onto his beer belly was the future I had yet to realise. Disgusted and haunted and afraid. A silent child with no words to speak but “hello”. Oh how life you have robbed me off opportunities to engage in conversation, laugh and play and just be sane, instead I was entertained by the thoughts of death and its companions…or rather depressed at the thought. I remember that summer….the sun added a gold tint to my complexion and I lay on the sofa like a mad man would talking to a therapist, releasing their innermost thoughts to the professional, except there was no one. Just my imagination rewinding and playing death as I saw it. Move 4 years later and I hear loud voices attacking her, fists propelling faster than I could perceive, eyes larger than that ball with the dimples, oh yeah golf, oh yeah I should have taken the catalogue, oh yeah I should run to the door, oh yeah I mustn’t forget her, oh yeah her belly is absolutely round now. Fast forward 5 years and I am on my bed, same position as when I was a child, my imagination rewinding and playing that night. How hatred has made its bed in me, twisting and retreating waiting at the mention of him. Scars internally burn and wonder, who do I blame, he is not here right now, when can I deflect my anger. From him every man is trash in my sight, the beginning of my marred feminist life. Rough hair, tracksuits, oversized shirts and jumpers…looked far from a woman until I smiled. The smile was just deception, everything was and totally is not okay, I want revenge, I want to hurt, I want to attack but I need freedom. I need to be released, I need to cling onto my Saviour who can move mountains, the beginning of hope and salvation. I sit on the bed once again, tears flowing, asking to be released, to whom, to the one above.
Fast forward 4 years and I am covered in purple love, able to translate and ignore the pain, able to share the reason for my bitterness and speak wholeness again. Fast forward again and I feel released, nearly whole, nearly removed. Just a little more of the Word, a little more of the love that I should have felt, I am feeling now. I must release the past into Your hands and be okay, just allow the love that You have for me to enter in, clean all the mess that built inside. Fast forward and a phone call from him, a hello and a goodbye, no bitterness, no resentment, just a release of what was damaged and into the new that has been restored. Thank God for healing.
Here lies a documentation of my childhood, a quick glimpse of what I experienced in a household that harboured bitter-sweet love. You cannot justify domestic violence but in some cultures it’s the norm and mostly the women are blamed for doing something wrong when it is the men who feel insecure in their manhood. Either way, it cannot be justified. What this post is about is forgiveness. Even though all has been said and done, the emotional scars always remain but it doesn’t have to. By learning to forgive we let go of all who have offended us, we release ourselves from the prison that keeps us locked to past events. It may have happened but it is the past, there is nothing that can change what happened but there is one thing you can do for yourself and that is let it go. Allow not any love but the true love that comes from the Almighty to settle in and work on what has been twisted. It took me a long time to overcome the battle that raged within me but after years of feeling rejected and unloved, I realised that the secret to feeling free is to release it.
I may have spent those years storing up the anger but it took so much energy to hate, it takes less to love (not to mention makes you look attractive) and it’s more enjoyable. No matter how bad it was or may have seemed, it’s our human nature that causes us to feel anger, but God’s nature isn’t like that, He loves you with an unconditional love like no human being can. He will take everything about you good and bad and make you clean and whole. His love covers absolutely everything and makes your problems so small that you don’t feel the pain anymore. In time when you are released from your past then you can help somebody else who has gone through the same thing. We are there to be there for one another not war against each other.