Today I wanted to write what Fathers Day means for me after many years of processing trauma and finding a new understanding of fatherhood. I’ve always had a complicated relationship with fathers day since I’ve had a very distant relationship with my own. It comes around and I see social media posts of people celebrating the wonderful and consistent father they’ve had and I wonder what that must feel like. The truth is, I’ve had this feeling long enough to recognise that I’m not the only one. I’ve had a single parent my entire life and even though my father was physically present for some time, the emotional distance spoke louder. Moments we had at a younger age when we bonded were few and have become grey as I recount more feelings of emptiness than I want to remember. It felt like I was missing something that I couldn’t’t quite conceive in my mind and heart.
This isn’t a post to denigrate my father because he also had a complex upbringing and I ultimately accept that he made choices in his adulthood as a reflection of what he didn’t receive which hurt others. And I say ‘receive’ as you can only give what you accept. Even if love is present, you might not recognise or identify it and therefore not be willing to accept it but that’s for another conversation.
One thing I’d say is that Fathers Day represents far more now than it used to. It has become less numbing and more longing since I’ve discovered a new kind of love. The best decision I’ve ever made as I’ve searched out and discovered Gods love and His heart for His children.
After finding out the truth of God’s love; what used to feel like a void has now been filled. What was once controlling is liberating and what was distant is now close by. I’ve discovered the joys of sitting at times amazed at the Heavenly Father I have who knows the depth of my heart and walks with me to make sure I’m safe in His hands. This Heavenly Father is gracious and not quick to anger. He directs and guides me through every path and I am so filled with joy that I can’t help but sing about it all the time. He is always near whenever I need wisdom and He is dependable.
Today I choose to accept what was and shape my future to what I want it to be. Now I long to have a husband who is unashamed to be affectionate with His children. I want to see my children grow up knowing that they can depend on their fathers words and he will stand to see them become wholesome children living their purpose. I long to see something I didn’t see growing up and that’s what excites me about Fathers Day. It has become a day that I celebrate for the future and not because it reminds me of my past.
The healing still continues and I’m loving the journey of feeling secure in God’s love. I can’t say I walked this road alone. It has been over 10 years of journeying with my church and Inspire for Women. I rarely do this but I have a lot to thank for the women who have helped me to let go and let God take over. If you’re in the UK or would like to find out more about Gods love, please join in on the next Inspire for women conference (1st July 2023). It’s a step forward to completeness in Gods love.
Inspiration…Fathers Day
My topic….God love
My opinion….stated
Beneath The Canvas 